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 Hey, what's up? You can call me maddox, that's what people call me. This site has been newly adapted and revamped to focus on expressing negativity. Nothing more, nothing less. No aspects regarding personal attachments are to be questioned and neither would they be entertained. However I am very open to opinions so feel free to express your two cents worth of the topic in the posts if they appeal to you in any way. On a closing note, hope you have a good read! For a lighter read, drop by www.burnt-knot.blogspot.com 
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"You know I would be there for you", those are the snapshots of unspoken words that I will forever adhere to my memories of you. A mystery is what its ben and forever will be, how you managed to overcome that invisible cylindrical-north-pole-temperatured enclosed space that encapsulates me, both causing me external and internal frostbites. But you. You broke through. At first you annoyed me, you gave me a reason for not gnawing at every punch I've had to put up with and to tell you the truth, I hated it. It was difficult talking to you because of your Anakin Skywalker Complex by which you incorporated into your beautiful bird's eye view of earth confused as heaven in that one sentence, "There is no right or wrong, its just a point of view". We would hang out, but it would still be uncomfortable. I'd laugh at the lame jokes you spell out although some of them weren't funny. It was honest if not so pure. It was my way of avoiding awkwardness. But most of the time, I kept laughing at you and it went on like that even with you knowing. You didn't mind and I appreciated that. Then on that night when you told me you had to go to Korea, it just struck me, so hard as if Big Ben collided with the San Francisco bridge. You were the close friend who emerged out of thin air and you willingly treaded on ice to save me. Wrestling saved your life you said. Well you saved mine. Thank you.  blurryeyez dreamt at 01:37 pm on Friday, January 27, 2006 Fire in the hole As in the norm, after taking a long hiatus from the real world, its expected of an individual to somehow recoil to their original form. Yes. Like that of a spring. Within this excessively long period of time, my legs have been chained restricting me to an imaginary bubble. A blue one to be exact. Ruled by nostalgic feelings and orthodox repercussions, the structure and environment is fully operated on a strict memory basis. With that said anything and everything within that little blue bubble has been derived from the past with feelings and emotions carrying extra weight. Time in that bubble however tweaks at an inhumane pace, the giant sand clock dropping one minute grain of sand at every excruciating hour. Needless to say the past few weeks have been long, painful and blue. Long hours spent being retrospective of the past, most of time governed by thoughts of feeling; how he carressed my hair, held on to my waist, his firm but gentle kiss, that mesmerizing gaze, the fact that I wanted him to have me and he knew it but held back. On the other hand, thoughts of Y were also wafting by along the flows of thought. There were more memories with him, we spent more time together. The silly little things he used to do which got me really embarassed around him, how he kissed me with toothpaste in his mouth (that was priceless), how we went to the club and ordered food for 5 and left nothing on the plates, the way he was so horny when I was around, the trail of kisses from my lips to my nipples when his fingers work my kitty, how he closses his eyes and groans when I give him blowjobs, the way we take showers together and the abundance of other memories all shrouded in a mushroom shaped cloud. Why is it so hard to move on from these thoughts and these people? With every new person who comes into the picture, chances of a relationship or a fling is immediately executed by a groundless sigh which accompanies a "no way" regardless of how cute, how buff or how special that person could be. Someone get a pin!! I need to burst this bubble!!!  Currently reading: Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson By Mitch Albom blurryeyez dreamt at 03:04 pm on Friday, December 30, 2005 Fire in the hole When we broke up you said you wanted to have God's approval in our relationship. Seeing as to how God is your priority, I compromised. Let you have your way and wait until you are ready again. In March this year, you came to that conclusion. "It was just the right time", I remember you whisper those words. "If we're not meant to be then God will have his way regardless of what we want" I recall saying, a statement to which you completely agreed to. No one was ever silly enough to say a long distance relationship was easy, no one. Neither were we. What we used to have was honesty, open communication and an abundance of understanding. Now we both assume that whatever the other person says is meant to inflict harm. The act on my side, I fully take responsibility to. I am sorry to the relationship, one that lasted for two years and was imbued with loving memories and beautiful in essence. The reason to our demise was the same reason we were separated before, I could not understand how or why that became the reason again. When I mentioned that, you said "I want to focus on the present, not the past". What options have you left me with? What do you want from me? All these questions were running marathons through my head and in your blog I found the answer. "Yes I do wait for God's decision but I do want as well. I'm human too you know ." For two years, I have been hanging on to a rope, to keep the faith and to remember the love only to realize that it was not at all there. Hanging on to discover that I was only a product of want, an item to satisfy your desire of want because you're human. In addition to all the pain you've caused, you dare say that it was my fault. Everynight is a time for tears; reflecting stupidity and idiocy for believing n you and to continue being hurt. blurryeyez dreamt at 01:01 pm on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 Comments (1) Sorry for the late entry, it was way long overdue. Hope you guys still visit this page!
Anyways, a new entry. As of late, there has been trials and tribulations from all directions; families, studies, friends, and yea the last bit of it, love. Before signing into blogdrive, I came across a page in xanga, a page of a distant friend of mine. One that mentioned the way she had lost hope in love and affection from the way in which he treats her. One minute, full of soft whispers and sweet carresses and the next minute being a pebble in his shoe.  It isn't fair to agree to that statement being completely true. Not in my contexts. In the past few days of the break, I had considered it to be something else. Something like a short period of time to recollect my thoughts and gather my personality so we could both work for a better relationship. But yesterday I came to a stumbling block when I head it wasn't the same for him. Perhaps it was my misconception, perhaps my heart was not ready to let him go, whatever it was I was not ready to handle. Then came last night, a night before my exam and just the previous night, instead of being wasted, I was stuck at home starting on a 1800 word feature article on taoism which was due the next day. Hurrah. Yes. Anyhow, because of the accumulated lack of sleep as well as an emotional baggage plus the pressure of having the asian music finals the next day, he was forced out of my mind. All for the better though as it turned to be quite a productive attempt to not fail. The paper today was fabulous. Everything came into place, it just did. Everything. Lady luck waved her magic wand above my head today, giving me a touch of sparkles and stars. The advantage of this break was the ability to control my anger. Admittedly, anger is my biggest vice. That added with a strong inclination to promiscuity (although it has never happened). Therefore everything has been good, no cat fights, no barbaric swearing, no hound growls but yes there is the occasional evil glare. What? Its not bad a thing. blurryeyez dreamt at 06:54 pm on Friday, October 21, 2005 Comments (1) For those with hope of reading a post soaked in horror, sorry to disappoint you but there's none here. So take your leave and have a good day. Is it a pity to look at people around us the same way? I don't know. Most of us like to feel attached to someone regardless of how we try to deny it. Others do not deny its existance but loses its connection after a period of time, slowly deshaping and dimishing altogether. I am one who is among the others. Its immediate connection or chemistry when knowing a person is prominent. There's no way to hide it and there shouldn't be a reason to do so. In the dawn of a new friendship, I trust; perhaps not in the individual but the faith that people should be given the benefit of the doubt (4 "the"'s in an sentence...WEIRD). Then after awhile the connection seems to follow suit in its process of deformation and soon disappear entirely. Whether we realise it or not, we are all perfectly capable of hurting others. Friends, relatives, parents, even complete strangers. Some live in their little shells afraid of coming out because reality is harsh. Instead they build a cold wall that "protects" them from reality. Reality by its own is a genre. A genre created by perceptions, experience, reactions of its subunits; people and the role of natural circumstances. It isn't reality which is harsh, its the people. A more refined answer would be what reactions are made up of, both conscious and unconscious acts in any given situation. The hurt inexplicably passed on to others are indeed painful. Some stand up to it regardless of whether of it being intentional or otherwise, some just swallow it and the rest just behaves accordingly depending on the nature of their personality. In my case, its like popping pills. As a child it was my biggest fear, the innermost depth of loathe and deepest of cringes. After a year of medication, its no big deal. Now its as easy as drinking water or drawing a stick figure man. The pain inflicted by others, more importantly people who are close to me don't really matter anymore. Firstly its because I know they don't mean it and secondly, no one can truly be aware of how much they play a part in affecting everyone they know as well as those whom they do not know. She's going off tomorrow and he's already left; back to the home he calls a prison. He didn't say anything and she has once again refrained from voicing the trails of her thought. Both to which I will not comply. Goodbye. blurryeyez dreamt at 06:44 pm on Friday, July 15, 2005 Fire in the hole What is left to do? What is left to say? Nothing, nothing but disappointment. Perhaps the focus should be shifted. Or the restraints lifted. A known fact has taken its time to test our belief. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationsip. How true...A test of allegiance, where does yours lie? I am baffled by an aspect of life which does not even include me. It affects you and therefore, it has the same effect on me. I do not choose it to befall me, neither do you on yourself. Eventhough my disappointment in you exceeds my allegiance, I will stay put. I will not go away. Perhaps if this issue were to be finally dissolved, I would leave. But this is not the time. Tell me, how do you expect me to love you when you do not love yourself. I need someone who is strong in believing in himself. Not a person who believes just because others do. There shouldn't be a need for acknowledgement. That is not the man I pledged my allegiance to. blurryeyez dreamt at 02:38 pm on Wednesday, June 29, 2005 Comments (3) Perhaps what you said was true and you really meant it...but what do you mean to say now? That it isn't like that now? I don't know how to trust you? Tell me, how do I embed trust into a person without a sense of trust in himself. Dear Lord, I'm confused. It was a wise decision not to tell me, it was too strong and painful a truth to comprehend. Lies are not an essential part of life and I don't want to live a life filled with one. Please shine your light on the both of us Lord, please do. Amen. blurryeyez dreamt at 11:39 pm on Sunday, June 12, 2005 Fire in the hole "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering". Yoda, Star Wars 1: The Phantom Menace. Emotions such as those mentioned above would not only lead to death and destruction. The way to live is not twisted, it is however what we choose to make of these emotions that depict ourselves instead of that emotion. Emotions are nothing but catalysts, an impetus to actions, whatever they may be. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Casualties of love. Another victim, another future survivor. She will survive alone without knowing that she is alone. But only in the mediated view of loneliness. Believing in her foundation she will find herself and her creator. Everyone else are chess characters, moving in ways governed by its rules. Objects of sacrifice to its ultimatum success. In the end, it's only a game. Freedom will follow her, liberation is a part of her, unorthodox is what she is and incomprehensible is what she will always be. Trudy, a person you never can be. Thank you love, for making me your casualty. You've taught me how to trust. Only in myself. blurryeyez dreamt at 02:28 pm on Saturday, April 09, 2005 Fire in the hole Truth. A profound form of illusion amplified to the public through the media. Pain. Strongly unpleasant bodily/ emotional sensation. Crying is not an outlet for letting pain go. I should have known that before these thoughts of you hit me. It hit me strong, swept me away, like a wave or a current. The intense moment of excitement. So temporary. And now, I'm lost. Never to return again. I swore an oath. I will return. And you will be gone.
blurryeyez dreamt at 08:43 pm on Wednesday, April 06, 2005 Fire in the hole
Short lived moments where funny is also classified as silly or cartoony. No one person who sits in that table knew each other well. Anything close to completion only exists on the surface. Where have they gone? People who knew everything and nothing about you? Those who you know will be there regardless of any storm. I sit here wishing. As I continue doing so, I will remember how you came to leaving me. The day of your death. blurryeyez dreamt at 03:16 am on Sunday, April 03, 2005 Fire in the hole
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